


Fun, Fluffy Night Vale Ficlets

by valda



Series: Short Stuff [3]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-03-29 15:34:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 4,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3901546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valda/pseuds/valda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of cute ficlets. The stories aren't necessarily related to each other. No mature content here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Strength in Numbers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. generalcupcakery asked: He wasn't sure he could do it alone.

But he wasn’t sure he could ask, either.

And so he was silent. Frozen. Staring at what was certainly his own singular fate.

And then Carlos asked, “You gonna eat that?” and relief welled up inside him like a Pamela Winchell emergency press conference on tropical fish care.


	2. Taco Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. jathis asked: "I can't believe you ate that many tacos."

Earl opened his mouth to respond, but in place of words came a horribly loud, quavering belch. Lips twisting, he gulped carefully against the roiling sensation in his throat. After a long moment, he finally trusted his body to let him speak, so he looked up at Cecil.

“Had to,” he said. “They would have eaten _you_.”


	3. Unexpected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. doctorcrocker asked: He felt a heavy weight somewhere on his back.

He froze. His first instinct was to flinch, to shift, to twist, to do _something_ , but he resisted, lest whatever it was had claws, and jaws, and teeth. That was the first thing you learned in elementary school survival training, after all: get a feel for the situation _first_.

But time passed, and the weight remained consistent, and he couldn’t see _anything_ lying face down like this, and he began to quietly panic; what if whatever it was just _stayed there_ , forever?

“Cecil,” Carlos said abruptly, sounding somewhat frustrated, “are you going to notice me leaning on you, or what?”


	4. Resolute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. longhairshortfuse asked: "There's no way to test these things, other than with action."

Cecil threw up his hands in exasperation. “Need I remind you of a certain tiny city under a certain bowling alley?”

“This is _hardly_ the same thing, sweetie,” Carlos protested.

“This is _exactly_ the same thing,” Cecil growled, “and if I have to _tie you down_ , I _will_.”

It was an idle threat, and Carlos knew it, and it was also a distraction, and Carlos knew that as well, but damned if it didn’t work anyway.


	5. Nobody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. therealraewest asked: "You don't know who I am, do you?"

“Yes, sir, I _do_ know who you are. You’re a local radio host; you’re not Lee Marvin.”

Cecil frowned. “But _surely_ my mentioning your fine establishment _regularly_ on the air counts for _something_?”

“Sorry, no; it only means as much as your life means, which means it doesn’t mean anything at all.”


	6. Seasonal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. jathis asked: "Why is there a burrowing owl in our bed?!"

Cecil blinked. “Why  _wouldn't_ there be a burrowing owl in our bed? It’s bloodrain season.”

“…oh. Right.”


	7. Logistics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. jathis asked: "Are you sure it'll fit in there?"

Cecil swallowed nervously. “Well, there’s only one way to find out.”

Carlos grimaced. “Just think of it as an experiment,” he said bracingly.

Fortunately, it turned out that Carlos’ box of geeky science t-shirts slid in alongside Cecil’s carefully organized shoe collection just fine.


	8. Totally Badass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. everybodyhatesanderson asked: As Heros by David Bowie played in the background, the girl knew it was time to kick some ass.

“I WILL BE KING,” Bess screamed, hurling her heavily dogeared copy of the nonfiction triumph _Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter_ out ahead of her as she charged forward.

“Okay, _stop_ ,” came an exasperated yell, and the music stopped abruptly, and all the children in the killing fields stopped too.

Tamika Flynn picked up Bess’ book, waved it dramatically. “First rule: Never discard two weapons when one will suffice.” And she opened the back cover and hauled out the miniature flamethrower Bess had failed to retrieve in her excitement.


	9. Indulging His Interests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlets meme. jathis asked: "How many times have you watched 300?"

Earl looked up from the couch to where Cecil, who had just returned from work, was closing the front door. He smiled. “I honestly have no idea.”

“I made popcorn,” put in Carlos from the kitchen, “if you’re up for watching it again.”

“Oh, _fine_ ,” Cecil sighed, rolling his eyes in mock exasperation.


	10. A Little Dinnertime Embarrassment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlets meme. jathis asked: Roger found it kind of sad how much his father failed to hide the fact that he was a Submissive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one technically has a mature theme, but it's not actual smut, so...

He wondered why he even tried. After all, Roger had found out from some of the kids at school that “Submissive” just meant taking care of someone, and wasn’t taking care of other people a nice thing that you were supposed to do anyway? He wondered why his father always seemed so embarrassed.

“Dad,” Roger said seriously at dinner one night, poking at his nutmeg, “it’s okay to be Submissive to Uncle Cecil and Uncle Carlos, since you love them, okay?”

Across the table, Earl Harlan choked violently.


	11. Terribly Offended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlets meme. generalcupcakery asked: "I'm sorry, could you repeat that because I don't think I heard you correctly."

Kevin laughed, and even across whatever unknowable distance separated Night Vale from the interior of its dog park, Cecil could hear the hideous smile on his face. “I said, you should bring your ugly scientist when you come to meet me! He’s here in the same desert. So convenient.”

“Excuse me,” Cecil gritted out, “but Carlos is _beautiful_.”


	12. Infestation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlets meme. jathis asked: Carlos decided that there was far too many owls here.

He said as much.

“But it’s a _radio studio_ ,” Cecil protested, and Carlos could tell his boyfriend was trying not to roll his eyes. “There are owls in _every radio studio ever_.”

“I know, sweetie, but they’re burrowing in _everything_ ,” Carlos stressed, and he pulled carefully at his thick curls to reveal the three owls who’d made a nest in his hair.

“… _glorious_ ,” Cecil breathed, clutching his hands together at his chest and looking ready to faint with joy.


	13. Fatal Error

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlets meme. therealraewest asked: The sky grew progressively darker, and a cold wind pricked goosebumps up their neck as an omen that what would happen next would not be pleasant.

“Carlos,” Cecil said.

Carlos could swear there were only two syllables in his name, but in that low, dark growl, Cecil had somehow used about ten.

“Yes, sweetie?” the scientist answered in a squeak.

“What,” Cecil rumbled, “have I said. About _never turning the coffeepot off ever_.”


	14. Derailed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlets meme. therealraewest asked: "Have I told you lately that you need a haircut?"

“I like it like this,” she said in her rough yet strangely youthful voice, the voice that belied her nature, just as her very existence belied the nature of all things, “and besides, you’re the only ones who can see me.”

“Logically speaking, that would be a reason to take our opinion into account.”

“ _Who cares what this creature does with its hair--burn it all!_ ”

“No one’s worried about _my_ opinion, as _usual_ , but I think--”

“Aw, come on, guys, knock it off, we’ve got a coup to plan!”


	15. Time for Science

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written in response to the Marconi revelation in episode 67.

Earl clicked off the radio, grabbed his phone, and dialed as fast as he could.

“Night Vale Community College,” a bored voice sounded through the receiver.

“Yes, admissions?” Earl asked. “I’d like to enroll in Science, please.”


	16. Cooking Is Totally Science

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written in response to the Marconi revelation in episode 67.

“Hey, Cecil, have I ever told you how cooking is basically chemistry?”

“…no.”

“Well, it is!” Earl beamed.

Cecil raised an eyebrow. “Okay…”

“You know. _Chemistry_.”

“Uh huuuuuuuh…?”

He wasn’t getting it. Earl closed his eyes, let out a slow breath. “Like… _science_.”

Cecil laughed. “Oh, Earl, you’re so funny! Everyone knows _chemistry_ isn’t _science_.”


	17. Let Slip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. realhousewivesofnightvale asked: "You couldn't have waited for two more seconds?"

“Er. Sorry? She’s really friendly, and her reactions to everything are _so_ scientifically interesting!”

Cecil knelt by the shattered coffeepot, gathering his thoughts and emotions into a tiny little ball that he would then repress–the municipally-approved thing to do. Meanwhile, Alisha’s giant bichon frise continued its unchecked rampage through Carlos’ apartment.


	18. Rudely Interrupted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Five-Sentence Ficlet meme. doctor-sherly asked: They kept on watching the children as the sun set with a loud noise in the distance.

Cecil glanced around at the other park-goers, then began drawing a breath to shout “Does anybody want a child?”--but Carlos touched his arm, and Cecil looked at him, and he was smiling, and his eyes were warm, and his hair was like a halo around his head, and Cecil decided he didn’t care how many messenger children City Council sent after him on his day off after all.

“Want me to feed you grapes?” Carlos asked, his smile turning to a grin.

Cecil clapped his hands together in delight. “I _absolutely_ want you to feed me grapes.”

He sprawled into Carlos’ lap, and Carlos stroked his hair and lowered a cluster of grapes to his lips, and their picnic was perfect after all.


	19. Proven with Science

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the five-sentence ficlet meme. It was supposed to be NSFW, but I don't think it is, really. doctorcrocker asked: Nothing felt warmer pressed against his groin.

Carlos was certain. As a scientist, he of course had a spreadsheet of items that had been pressed against his groin, with a different row for each one, and columns listing an array of properties. He’d logged the thermal readings he’d just taken, then sorted the entire sheet by temperature, and the results were conclusive: Cecil Palmer was in fact the hottest thing to ever be in his lap.

It occurred to him as he pulled the radio host in for a kiss that he hadn’t made a distinction between items that produced their _own_ heat and items that caused Carlos _himself_ to produce heat. Fortunately, that just meant Carlos had plenty of opportunity for further study.


	20. Two Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cecil arrives in the desert otherworld.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the [kiss meme](http://cosleia.tumblr.com/post/118356362613/send-me-a-number-and-a-pairing-and-ill-do-a). longhairshortfuse asked: Cecilos 5 "Angry kiss"

The settlement had been in sight for a long time. Hours, probably, if time was a thing. The desert was vast, and it took that long to cross it. But finally Cecil was staggering past manmade structures instead of cacti and sagebrush, and there was a road for him to walk alongside, and he saw people, fellow citizens of Night Vale long thought lost...

He stopped staggering. He let go of the handle of his enormous rolling suitcase, let his overstuffed duffel bag slip from his shoulder, and set down his laptop case with a long, low grunt. Then he slid his backpack off and settled it in the sand as well.

_Maybe I overpacked_ was not something Cecil Palmer would ever think, so he didn't think that. Instead, he thought, _Boy, I'm tired_. And then he pulled out his phone.

"Hello? Cecil?" came a very alert, very excited voice. It was exhausting just to hear it.

"Carlos," Cecil whined, " _come get me_."

"Ooh! Where are you?"

"I don't know, I'm next to this big tarp?"

"Oh! Stay there! Don't look under the tarp!"

"Why would I look under the tarp?"

"Because you're a _reporter_?"

"Ha. Right. Fine, I won't look under the tarp. But _come get me_. I'm _really tired_."

"I'll be right there!"

Cecil laid his suitcase down flat and sat on it. Then he pulled his water bottle out of a side pocket on his backpack and morosely swirled the last remaining sip. He supposed he could call or text Carlos and ask him to bring water. "Eh," he said aloud.

He wasn't sure how long Carlos would be. _I'll be right there_ could mean anything, both to a scientist and in a world where time didn't work. Cecil sat, legs propped straight out, idly wiggling his feet and watching tumbleweeds roll by.

Why wouldn't Carlos want him looking under the tarp? Was it a surprise?

Cecil side-eyed the tarp. It looked to be covering something _really big_. Was it...was it a bowling alley?

He smiled. Carlos was so sweet! It probably _was_ a bowling alley. _Without_ a miniature army beneath it. League night would probably _never_ be canceled here in the desert otherworld!

Surely a little peek wouldn't hurt anything.

Cecil bounced lethargically up from the suitcase, ran a hand back through his sweat-soaked hair, and strolled casually toward the tarp, whistling. He glanced around briefly, then bent to pick up an edge.

"Cecil!"

Cecil spun around, straightening and clasping his hands innocently behind his back. "Carlos!"

" _Cecil_ ," Carlos said, irritation spoiling his beautiful face as he marched up, "I told you not to look!"

"I'm a reporter!" Cecil retorted with a grin. "I can't _not_ report."

" _Ugh_ ," Carlos said with exasperation, closing the distance between them and pulling Cecil into a hug. He gave Cecil a small, perfunctory peck on the lips, then asked, "Did you see anything?"

"You mean did I see...the bowling alley you built for me? No," Cecil said, cocking his head to the side and crooking an eyebrow.

Carlos' face relaxed. "It's not a bowling alley," he said. "And _no peeking_."

Cecil pouted, both because he was wrong, and because, _well_. "Carlos," he said, "this is the first time we've seen each other in a _year_ , and while I am _very_ happy to be in your arms again, that was _not_ the kind of kiss I was expecting."

"...oh," Carlos said, eyes dropping to Cecil's lips. His arms were still around Cecil's shoulders, pinning Cecil's arms to his sides; Cecil bent his elbows and slid his hands around to Carlos' ass. " _Oh_ ," Carlos said again, shifting slightly, and Cecil grinned at the growing pressure against his hip.

"Indeed," Cecil said, but then Carlos' mouth was on his, and he was being backed up against the wall of whatever it was under the tarp, who even _cared_ , and Carlos' hands were moving, roaming forward over his shoulders and chest and down his stomach and to the front of his pants.

Cecil broke the kiss, ducking his head to gaze demurely at Carlos. "Still mad at me?"

Then he was gasping as Carlos responded with a happy laugh and a _very_ firm squeeze.


	21. A Little Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cecil apparently looks _really_ good today.

Intern Hiroshi had been giving him weird looks all day. Kept, like, raising his eyebrows, and pursing his lips. It wasn’t flirting, at least not if Hiroshi was up on standard procedures, because the combination of eyebrow-raising and lip-pursing was _last_ season’s vogue for indicating romantic and/or sexual interest. Hiroshi was otherwise hip as heck, so Cecil didn’t think it was likely he’d be using outdated mating rituals.

So what, then? Why this, every time he came into the room to refill Cecil’s coffee or bring him notes or let him know Station Management had gone dormant and it was safe to slip down to the archives? At one point Hiroshi started to pull something out of his pocket—then, all of a sudden, a horrified look overtook his face and he shoved whatever it was away, spluttered an apology, and ran out of the booth.

It _couldn’t_ be flirting, could it?

Well. Hiroshi was a bit young for Cecil, and a subordinate besides, and he and Carlos hadn’t actually discussed the possibility of having other partners anyway…so it was moot. Cecil decided to just ignore it.

But then Alyson from sales (all the girls in sales were named Allison) gave him the _same exact look_. “Ready, _okay_!” she shouted, vaulting in front of Alison, but upon seeing Cecil she stopped stock still, frowned a bit, raised her eyebrows, and pursed her lips. Unfortunately, this deviation from the normal routine meant that no one was looking when Alisson backflipped across the room, and soon there was a pile of Alicens on the floor.

This was perplexing. Everyone knew Cecil wasn’t interested in women. Cecil must look pret-ty good today if Alyson couldn’t even remember _that_.

He smirked to himself, glancing down to admire his red flannel shirt, brown lace bubble skirt, poop emoji-patterned bellbottom jeans, and orange ballet flats.

“Still got it, Palmer.”

Cecil detoured to the Ralph’s on his walk home; they were out of flies, and he had a craving for nutmeg. He was humming contentedly to himself in the checkout line (careful as always to avoid any melodies that might offend the spirits of the long-dead or recently demonized) when he realized the cashier was staring at him. Cecil met their eyes and raised his eyebrows. The cashier raised their eyebrows in response…and then not only _pursed_ their lips but _licked_ them.

“Wow,” Cecil said, “this outfit is _really_ working for me!” He beamed and accepted his grocery bag. “But I already have my Carlos. Thank you, though.” And whistling cheerfully, Cecil exited the Ralph’s and continued on his way home.

Carlos was fussing with something on his little lab table in the living room when Cecil arrived. “Hey babe,” he said without looking up. “I’ll just be a minute, this experiment is _really_ exciting!”

“We should go out tonight,” Cecil replied, smiling to himself. “I have the feeling you’re going to want to show me off.”

“Oh really?” At this, Carlos raised his head. His eyes panned up Cecil’s body, lips curving into an eager smile. “Wow, yeah,” he said, “you look _gorgeous_ —”

But then Carlos’ eyes reached Cecil’s face…and he suddenly broke into laughter.

Cecil blinked. “What?”

Carlos fought to speak. “You—you haven’t taken any selfies today, have you?”

“Nooooooo,” Cecil said slowly.

“Um,” Carlos giggled. “Just out of curiosity…when did you eat the leftover pumpkin pie?”

“This morning, but how did you…”

Realization dawned like the familiar horror of the Faceless Old Woman’s fingernails on the back of his neck. “ _Oh_ ,” he gasped, hand going to his mouth, “oh _gods_.”

“This _morning_ ,” Carlos crowed. “Oh, sweetie.”

“Well,” Cecil huffed, crossing his arms and turning away, “I still look _fantastic_.”

Carlos rose from his lab desk and wrapped his arms around Cecil’s waist. “Oh, absolutely,” he said, tipping his forehead down to touch Cecil’s. “You look _so_ good. I want to kiss you _right now_. But, um, let’s just wash all that blood off your lips first, eh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This piece of crack was inspired by me eating some ice cream and then, later, looking in the mirror.


	22. Shot to the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a little accident at the Boy Scout archery trials.

“Oh…oh dear. Does that hurt?”

“Not really,” Earl said.

“I…I see. Well, that’s good. There’s a bit of a wait today, due to the macaw infestation, and since you’re not bleeding everywhere–”

“I understand. It’s no problem. I can wait.”

Glad to be left-handed, Earl jotted his name on the sign-in sheet, then turned to Roger. “Come on, buddy, let’s go find somewhere to sit.”

His son had been silent for quite some time now—as they’d abruptly left the Boy Scout archery trials; as Earl had driven awkwardly across town, seat pushed back as far as possible, trying not to wince when he had to shift gears; as they’d climbed the steps of Night Vale General. And he was silent now.

“It’s okay,” Earl said for what had to be the seventeenth time. “Like she said, I’m not even bleeding.”

Roger nodded and settled onto a hard plastic chair, keeping hold of his bow and quiver as if afraid they would wander off. Earl smiled. He was a pretty bright kid. His bow and quiver might gain sentience any day now.

“I’m proud of you,” Earl said, easing himself down into the chair next to his son. “That was a great shot. It’s in the perfect spot not to do any real damage. Even if it had been on my dominant side, it wouldn’t have hit any vital organs. And now I’ll have another cool scar. It’s been awhile since I got one. I’m really happy to get one from you.”

Roger looked up at him, and his stoic face crumpled. “But Dad,” he said, and it was obvious he was struggling to keep his voice from breaking, “it wasn’t a great shot at all. I thought you were the target. I was aiming for your heart.”

… _oh_. Earl swallowed. Once again, he’d said the wrong thing completely. And it had been a white lie anyway. Earl had seen the look of horror on Roger’s face as he’d loosed the arrow and assumed that in that split second Roger had tried to adjust his aim.

“In that case,” Earl said, “it was an _incredible_ shot, because it would have hit me right here if I hadn’t reacted.” He tapped a spot on his left side between his fourth and fifth ribs.

Roger blinked at him. “You lied,” he said.

Earl looked away. “Yeah.”

“Don’t lie,” Roger said quietly. “Lying is bad.”

“Sometimes lying is necessary,” Earl corrected him. He raised his eyes to his son’s. “But it wasn’t, in this case. I’m sorry, Roger. You absolutely would have hit your target.”

Roger did not appear particularly comforted. The two of them lapsed back into silence.

Earl was worried for his son—he really was—but as they continued to wait he couldn’t help the smile spreading across his face. Roger hadn’t missed. He hadn’t missed at all.

Finally, a technician with a clipboard appeared at his elbow. “We’re ready to take you back, Mr. Harlan,” she said.

Earl turned to her and grinned, gesturing to the arrow projecting out from just below his right shoulder.

“Look,” he said. “ _My son shot me!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written in response to a [fantastic picture I saw on Tumblr](http://cosleia.tumblr.com/post/121424456878/i-am-an-adult-i-swear-angeediiez-gaydux-the-kid). The amazing chickadddddd [made some artwork for this story](http://chickadddddd.tumblr.com/post/125572664238/okay-would-you-please-draw-the-waiting-room-scene)! _Look at it!_


	23. Let's Make a Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos doesn't like it when Cecil discusses their relationship on air. Cecil doesn't like it when Carlos gets sexy on the air. What to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This double drabble was written for the [word meme](http://cosleia.tumblr.com/post/118045298623/peekbelowthesurface-send-me-a-number-and-two). deerteef asked: Carlos and Cecil, 74. "Are You Challenging Me?"

“Cecil. Honey. I’m _really_ sorry I accidentally washed your furry pants. Really! But did you have to tell the whole town? I just got another death threat.”

“As a public figure, it’s my duty to model healthy relationship behavior for the community,” Cecil sniffed.

“But you always get embarrassed when I—”

“That’s _different_ , Carlos! The community doesn’t need to know that I like, well, when you…” Cecil squared his shoulders, kneaded his fingers together, and turned his head shyly away. “For example,” he said, his voice going a little rough.

“For example, what?” Carlos teased.

“You know what I’m talking about!”

“Tell you what. If you tell your listeners about _that_ , then I won’t mind so much when you tell them the more, er, gushy stuff.” Carlos grinned. “I bet you can’t do it.”

Cecil’s head snapped back toward Carlos. “Are you challenging me?”

“Yes,” Carlos laughed, “I am!”

“All right, buster. I’ll show _you_. I’m going to tell my listeners _all about_ the way you…when I…um…” Cecil trailed off, fingers fretting in his lap.

Carlos leaned in to kiss him. “I’ll call in and help, if you want,” he offered, and Cecil dropped his face into his hands.


	24. Arboreal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This silliness sprouted from a conversation with OrdinaryBird. Blame me for the ship, and her for the climbing. (You'll see)

She stood at the edge of the Whispering Forest, rolling her eyes at its empty flattery. She was immune to positive feedback, and anyway that wasn’t why she was here.

Glancing down at her workman’s coveralls, thigh-high leopard print boots, fuchsia pashmina and riot of bangle bracelets (which were, of course, dangling from a bungee cord that was hooked across her chest), Michelle smiled tightly, then let out a snort of breath through her nose. Whatever. She always looked fantastic. Michelle Nguyen was very spared from the sphere.

Without another moment’s hesitation, she stalked into the trees.

Michelle had never admitted it to anyone out loud. But in her quietest moments, when she was the most honest with herself, when she wasn’t fixated on indulgent self-loathing, when she allowed her deepest desires the tiniest of mental windows, she’d always known one thing:

She would climb her friend Richard like a _tree_.

And now…she _could_.


	25. You'll Never Stop Eating It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warning:** There is some body horror in this one. It's meant to be humorous, but just in case!
> 
> This was written for the five-sentence ficlet meme. kevin-the-chicken asked: "I warned you not to eat so much"

“I’m—” Carlos broke off into a long, loud belch that rattled Cecil’s mother’s good china in the cabinet behind him. Cecil cringed and tried not to say anything, tried not to stare at his boyfriend’s horribly distended stomach. “—fine,” Carlos concluded, his voice coming out an entire octave lower.

“You’re an outsider,” Cecil wailed, unable to help himself, “you don’t know how it is, you’ve somehow never even _seen_ okra before…”

“But I’ve seen it _now_ , and, more importantly, it’s delicious, and—” Carlos raised his eyebrows, lips straining against horribly puffed cheeks to curve into a smile, “—is there any more?”


	26. The Noisy Neighbor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the five-sentence ficlet meme. eldertwelvecupsofcoffee asked: *casually leans in your ask box* "You can be as loud as the hell you want, when you're making love." ;D

“You _can_? I mean, you _can_. You _totally can_ , I _knew_ it, I _knew_ Janice Rio was full of it!” Cecil spun away from the sheriff’s secret police representative, face awash with glee. “Oh _Ms. Rio_ …” he called happily down the block, waving at his neighbor’s house, “guess what _I_ just heard?”


	27. A New Familiarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the five-sentence ficlet meme. the-child-from-italy asked: Yes hello I would like the sentence, "what's so funny, babe?" If you would like to do that :3

The laughter had been loud, raucous, and seemingly uncontrollable…but it was suddenly over, and there was nothing but silence, heavy, disbelieving silence, and a long, flat, emotionless look.

Carlos twisted his hands together. “What?” he asked nervously, flicking his eyes away and quickly looking back again. “What is it?”

Cecil, however, simply laughed at the look on Earl’s face and said, “Oh, Carlos, that was the first time you ever called him ‘babe’.”


	28. A Musical Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the five-sentence ficlet meme. eldertwelvecupsofcoffee asked: *is never going to stop prompting* "Forgive me, for I did not know, 'cause I was just a boy and you were so much more than any god could ever plan- more than a woman or a man- and now I understand how much I took from you." :D

“For Spire’s sake,” Cecil sighed, rolling his eyes. “Carlos, how long is this going to last? I don’t think I can take much more of his melodrama.”

“Earl ate _five_ elderberries,” Carlos said thoughtfully, “so he’ll be singing everything he says for the next three weeks.”

Cecil groaned, turned back to Earl, and shouted, “You never took more from me than I was willing to give and I was a lot worse to you than you were to me and we’re together now and everything’s fine so can you _please stop worrying about it_?”


	29. Art

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content warning:** Canon violence from episode 74, "Civic Changes."
> 
> This was written for the five-sentence ficlet meme and is sort of a sequel to [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3901546/chapters/11539378). eldertwelvecupsofcoffee asked: *okay, last two because I am smol and need rests* "It's so awesome because my friends always end up leaving me, but YOU CAN'T!"

Michelle dropped backwards, hooking her knees around the limb and hanging upside-down, then grinned up at the part of the tree that had once been Richard’s face. “You know, you really look good like this,” she said happily.

Richard’s upper branches shifted, then jerked, then began to violently rustle. Michelle frowned, then glanced down to the forest floor and spotted the problem: there was a boy there, looked to be high school age, and he had a knife, and he was—

“What the hell,” Michelle screamed at him, “that’s not art, you need to put some _passion_ into it!”


	30. Dorks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the five-sentence ficlet meme. doctor-sherly asked: “The conclusion is that both of us are dorks.”

Carlos raised an eyebrow. “I don’t see how you got there. I’m a dork, sure, I mean, look at what I’m _wearing_ ,” he said, gesturing down at his ‘You Are Here’ Milky Way t-shirt, wrinkly cargo pants, and tie-dyed lab coat, “but _you_? You’re a gourmet chef, you’re all like _buff_ and stuff, you’re the strongest man I’ve ever _known_ , your eyes are so _beautiful_ , you’ve got that manly _beard_ and—” He was already flushing furiously by the time Earl shut him up with a kiss.


	31. Good Pet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the [kiss writing challenge](http://cosleia.tumblr.com/post/126876946633/kiss-writing-challenge). atwotonedbird asked: 2 for Cecil and Khoshehk plz

He loved having a pet. He’d never thought too much about it before, never considered what having a pet might mean to him. But this pet, this wonderful, loving pet, had changed his mind about many things.

“Khoshekh!” it said, adoring voice muffled by the plastic face shield of its billowy yellow suit. It liked to call him “Khoshekh”. It didn’t need to know his real name. It probably couldn’t comprehend his real name.

His pet deftly stroked an appendage down his side, neatly avoiding his venom sac and spinal ridges. Such a clever pet! He let out a satisfied gurgle that rumbled deafeningly in the small space, echoing off the tile in a low thrum.

“Who’s my sweet buddy boy?” his pet said, mouth curving upward. He tilted his head to the side in invitation for more petting. This pet was a good pet. This pet was a loyal servant. This pet deserved every kindness.

His pet stooped over, then glanced around almost nervously. He couldn’t help but laugh at his pet’s apparent discomfort; it looked so cute. The slithery sound of his chuckle seemed to relax his pet; it sighed, smiled, then quickly slipped its face mask up and away.

“Just real quick,” it whispered furtively, and then it leaned in and touched its mouth to his nose.

A brash move. Bold. Unexpected.

But it was worthy. There was no need to punish it.

He blinked his good eye lazily as his pet straightened and flipped his face mask back down. “I’d better give myself another shot, just in case,” it said. “But you’re just such a good boy!”


	32. Not a Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for [this prompt](http://cosleia.tumblr.com/post/131180194973/send-me-two-or-more-characters-and-a-number-and). longhairshortfuse asked: Earlos 11

“You don’t need to protect me,” Carlos huffed.

Earl gazed languidly at the scientist. “Really,” he deadpanned.

“I am a _scientist_. A scientist is always _fine_.”

“Ah,” Earl said. “All right, then.” He began to turn away.

“Um,” Carlos stammered. “Earl?”

Earl turned back around. “Yes, Carlos?”

“You don’t need to protect me, _but_ , I was thinking, maybe you could use some practice?”

“Oh, sure!” Earl said brightly. “So nice of you to think of me.” He strolled back toward the scientist. “A sous chef should always keep their skills sharp.”

The blade flashed out, barely visible save for the occasional glint, disappearing back into Earl’s chef uniform as quickly as it had appeared. There was a pause as gravity caught up with Earl’s lightning-fast movements. Then the tentacles broke into perfectly severed pieces, falling away from Carlos’ legs and arms and slapping wetly to the kitchen floor.

Carlos managed to land on his feet, panting a bit.

“You _definitely_ didn’t need any help with that,” Earl said.

“Absolutely not,” Carlos agreed.


End file.
